welcome to Lent :)

so today's the first day of Lent -- traditionally a time of deprivation. but a thought came to me today. does it hafta be? i mean, i usually struggle with what i'm going to give up for the 40 days of Lent. it really shouldn't be something you shouldn't be doing anyway, like drugs or watching porn. but what's the point of giving up something like chocolate or coffee that you're just going to pick up again on Easter? can't we give up something that will make our lives better?

this year i really want to give up unhappiness. why not? i'm tired of being depressed. i'd really like to figure out what it is my brain needs for lasting happiness. i'd really like to spend the rest of my life doing what i enjoy and being happy doing it, instead of suffering and slogging through my days. wouldn't that be awesome? i don't think God would have a problem with it :)

my favorite french :)

today is a really crappy, sucky day. the sky is grey, & that totally reflects my mood today. i've gotta go see my pcp about being off my meds & the surgeon about my throat-ectomy, so i'm not thinking it's gonna get much better. i'm trying to change things by wearing all black with cheerful jewelry :)

but here's my poem for today:

personne m'adore
tout de la monde me deteste
je croix que je veux manger les miner
les miner qui sont grande
les miner qui sont petitie
et les miner qui agiter dans ma bouche

i've been saying this for years, but i finally looked up the last 2 words i didn't know in french. i feel so much better now! :)

...the next step...

well, it's been 3 weeks since i went off my meds, and i'm not so sure it was such a good idea *smile*. bleh. so i called and made an appointment with a psychiatrist, cuz my therapeutic team and i agree that my mental health should be cared for by a mental health professional who is more capable of deciding which drugs, if any, will be the most beneficial for me. i'm kinda nervous about it, though, cuz going to a psychiatrist means that you're crazy, right? i mean, everybody's medicated and everybody's in therapy, but the only person i know who goes to a psychiatrist is my brother and the crazy people on tv. when i spoke to her this evening, she actually asked me if i was 1) in the witness protection program & 2) had ever been hospitalized for a mental illness. there have been times when both of those options have seemed like a good idea *smile*

prozac, for all it's suckiness, is awesome, cuz it doesn't drop you into the abyss immediately -- it kinda lowers you slowly into the abyss so that you don't realize where you are until all the light has been sucked out of the world and you are in utter darkness trying to feel your way to the surface. i definitely need to be medicated, cuz i'm starting to think like my brother *smile*. we'll figure it out.

i also have an appointment next week with the thyroid surgeon, cuz they ultimately didn't like the biopsy they did of my thyroid. but if you're gonna have cancer, thyroid's the one to get. it has a 100% cure rate, it doesn't spread anywhere and it won't kill you. of course, now that i've said all that, i'll be the first to die of thyroid cancer. it'll take over my body completely and i'll have to have a complete body-ectomy. *smile* i still think i'll end up with one of those throat things like the asian guy on south park *smile* but in the big scheme of things, as long as i have some anesthesia, i don't really care what they take out. nothing could be as bad as the biopsy! (famous last words...)

another day, a different med...

well, today was my 2nd day on prozac. i was nervous, cuz when i switched from zoloft to lexapro it sucked. the first day was ok, cuz i still had enough zoloft in my system to carry me through, but the lexapro hadn't kicked in yet. the 2nd day, my husband came home and i was lying on the floor in the living room, cuz i just couldn't get up *smile*. i can look back and smile now, but at the time it was a bit of a tragedy. i don't know if the transition is going better this time cuz i'm in a better place, or if it's just a different type of drug. my pcp explained that all of these drugs are "cousins" and they all do the same thing, just a little bit differently. i can't get over how one drug works well for one person and not for another.

i don't know if prozac is the right drug for me. it didn't work for my mom. but it works great for my friend and her husband. but depression sucks, and i've got so much going on right now that i can't just sit and cry all day long :). my kids demand to be fed regularly, and i can't just feed them toast, cuz i hafta make the bread. why did i start doing that?

but there is no rest for the wicked today. the kids have been upstairs for almost 2 hours, but there is no rest in sight. hopefully tonight will be an early to bed night. but we need baths, so we'll see. i guess they know i'm not really going to beat them :)