ice cream for dinner? *smile*

of course! i strive to be the cool mom who gets her kids to eat! i was talking to my sister today, and she was making sweet potato ice cream, and i thought it sounded delicious, so i'm making it, too, but as a side dish for dinner. the kids are over the moon at the thought that we're eating ice cream for dinner, and i even let them help making it. alexander's bored already watching the machine go around and around, but i had to tear isabelle away. she's being patient, she told me *smile*. well, i hope they like it. it smells delicious! lots of brown sugar and cinnamon. yum!!!

shopping with children -- the husband edition

so, i do about 95% of the shopping for our household, for the things that we use everyday from food to clothing. and i pretty much only shop before rest time, cuz the rest of the day is pretty unpredictable. if it's not done before 3pm (preferable 2pm) then it doesn't need to be done. my husband takes care of all the outdoor and home repair stuff. but every once in a while he decides that we all need to go to the store together for whatever we need. usually it's a big lots shopping spree, but tonight it was a trip to target. after dinner at the restaurant (eat n' park *smile*)

now, i love target. they've got the big carts with 2 seats for bigger kids, and that's awesome! i'm all about confinement for my 2 little ones. and when we got there, i found an appropriate cart and got them both strapped in, and they started whining about getting out. i'm a firm believer in confinement, but my husband told them that if they were good they could get out. i stopped to check out the jewelry (for inspiration *smile*) and the next thing i knew, they were both out of the cart, and the madness began!

i really don't know what he was thinking. our children have not yet grasped the concept of looking with your eyes and not your hands. they don't understand that we need to use our inside voices when we're inside. they don't understand that they can't just go look at something just cuz they want to, even if we're not going over there. they want to look at what they want, and not what's on mommy's list. hence the need for confinement. but my husband's got isabelle on his shoulders and alexander by the hand, and they're both talking a mile a minute while i push this ginormous cart that's completely empty. i found everything on my list while he went to look at bikes and toys and whatnot, and was forced to explain that they both already have bikes, so we're not taking the princess tricycle home. did i mention the need for confinement? *smile* by the time we were ready to check out, he was ready to leave them both in the store. it was after 9pm -- past their bedtime on a late night -- and we were both frazzled. they were both jazzed by being up late, even though they didn't get any popcorn, and they wanted to sing all the way home. needless to say, they're both asleep and i think my husband is too. they're exhausting on a regular day, but let us try something new and different, and i need an adult beverage! maybe next time he'll remember why they need to be confined in the store!

prosthetic vocal chords

i had no idea that i know someone who's had a complete thyroidectomy and has a prosthetic vocal chord. wow! she had the procedure done some years ago (in a military hospital, as she was active duty AF), and could barely speak for over 2 years before she was implanted with a prosthetic vocal chord. I would never have known, cuz her voice sounds fine to me. i should have asked her if she can sing with her prosthetic *smile*

but it kinda made me feel better, cuz if there's only a 1% chance of nicking one of 2 nerves that controls vocal production, then knowing someone to whom it's happened makes the chances of it happening to me that much slimmer, right? *smile*

i still need to make an appointment with the voice specialists to get scoped so they can see the condition of my chords prior to the surgery. i also tried to get my surgeon to do the procedure at Magee, cuz they've got excellent food, but no such luck. hopefully i won't hafta be there over night. if they only need to remove 1/2, as they plan, then i'll be able to come home that evening. i'll only need to stay overnight if they end up needing to remove my entire thyroid. and based on my recent ultrasound, there are no nodes in the right half at all, and the radiologist said the other side looks beautiful. my friend who had a complete removal said that she had nodes on both sides and they were exhibited very rapid growth. in the 6 months or so that i've been traveling down this path, mine haven't grown at all. every ultrasound i've had shows them pretty much the same size as they were when they were found.

my word can she scream!

isabelle is a screamer. i mean, a serious screamer. she reminds me of the little girls i saw on a 20/20 about young girls who were severely schizophrenic. *smile*

now, i know that she's just 2 and is just finding ways to express her anger. she's not schizophrenic. or possessed. usually i just tell her that when she's ready to settle down and use her words to come find me. but christopher tonight stayed with her until she settled down, which really prolonged the situation for an extra 1/2 hour. it gets to the point where i'm really surprised she has a voice. i don't know how anyone can scream for 1/2 an hour or more 3 or 4 days a week and not have serious vocal issues! wow! she'll be a great gospel or musical theatre singer *smile*

but i can really see how parents can have their young children diagnosed as bipolar. one second she screaming like she's possessed, and the next minute she's cuddling with me asking for the babies she's thrown all over her room. absolutely exhausting *smile*

God is good, but life kinda sucks :(

God is good. all the time. but i'm not ready to commit to "paper" what's going on right now. it's like writing it down will make it real. not that not writing it down makes it any less real, and i've got so much stuff to do to get ready. it always takes me a bit to process things so that i can function without my eyes leaking constantly. good thing i have to sing at a funeral today -- i'm supposed to be a little emotional :) what a time to go off my meds!

The Diary of Anne Frank

i'm an old soul, and i love masterpiece theatre, or masterpiece classics as it's called now. and i was really looking forward to the latest interpretation of The Diary of Anne Frank. of course, i read the book in school, and i've seen a couple of other made for tv versions, but this was by far the best. i actually sobbed at the end. it was amazing.

it came on on sunday evening, but i missed most of it becuz we got the kids to bed late. so i'm glad that pbs is available on demand. my husband and i watched it in utter silence this evening. and even though knew that i was going to cry at the end, i just couldn't turn it off. it was just so well done and so moving. bravo, pbs!

my favorite french :)

today is a really crappy, sucky day. the sky is grey, & that totally reflects my mood today. i've gotta go see my pcp about being off my meds & the surgeon about my throat-ectomy, so i'm not thinking it's gonna get much better. i'm trying to change things by wearing all black with cheerful jewelry :)

but here's my poem for today:

personne m'adore
tout de la monde me deteste
je croix que je veux manger les miner
les miner qui sont grande
les miner qui sont petitie
et les miner qui agiter dans ma bouche

i've been saying this for years, but i finally looked up the last 2 words i didn't know in french. i feel so much better now! :)

...the next step...

well, it's been 3 weeks since i went off my meds, and i'm not so sure it was such a good idea *smile*. bleh. so i called and made an appointment with a psychiatrist, cuz my therapeutic team and i agree that my mental health should be cared for by a mental health professional who is more capable of deciding which drugs, if any, will be the most beneficial for me. i'm kinda nervous about it, though, cuz going to a psychiatrist means that you're crazy, right? i mean, everybody's medicated and everybody's in therapy, but the only person i know who goes to a psychiatrist is my brother and the crazy people on tv. when i spoke to her this evening, she actually asked me if i was 1) in the witness protection program & 2) had ever been hospitalized for a mental illness. there have been times when both of those options have seemed like a good idea *smile*

prozac, for all it's suckiness, is awesome, cuz it doesn't drop you into the abyss immediately -- it kinda lowers you slowly into the abyss so that you don't realize where you are until all the light has been sucked out of the world and you are in utter darkness trying to feel your way to the surface. i definitely need to be medicated, cuz i'm starting to think like my brother *smile*. we'll figure it out.

i also have an appointment next week with the thyroid surgeon, cuz they ultimately didn't like the biopsy they did of my thyroid. but if you're gonna have cancer, thyroid's the one to get. it has a 100% cure rate, it doesn't spread anywhere and it won't kill you. of course, now that i've said all that, i'll be the first to die of thyroid cancer. it'll take over my body completely and i'll have to have a complete body-ectomy. *smile* i still think i'll end up with one of those throat things like the asian guy on south park *smile* but in the big scheme of things, as long as i have some anesthesia, i don't really care what they take out. nothing could be as bad as the biopsy! (famous last words...)

in search of sanity

after i had isabelle, i finally realized that i needed some help and found a fabulous therapist. and after working with her for a while, i finally admitted that i needed to be medicated. and it helped for a long time. it did what it was supposed to do and helped me through the darkness. of course, it also helped that isabelle stopped screaming all the time, alexander started going potty and both of them could walk and talk *smile*. but for a while, the meds were all that were keeping me out of jail. there were still days when i had to put myself into time-out *smile*

but i switched from zoloft to lexapro, and more recently from lexapro to prozac. they all made me twitchy, and the lexapro actually made me think i had some sort of neurological disorder, cuz my hand would twitch periodically like i had parkenson's or something. but the prozac just sucked. i had all of the side effects with none of the relief (see "prozac sucks my butt"). so i talked to my therapist and my pcp, and we decided that maybe it was time to take a break. i had to realize that the things in my life that annoy me and drive me crazy will be with me forever (or at least til they graduate from high school or college *smile*), so i really needed to figure out how to deal with it, since i can't medicate them *smile*. so i've been off my meds for a little over 2 weeks.

for the most part, i feel great. i've been doing a lot of breathing, but my children and husband are all still alive, and i'm not incarcerated or on a 72 hour hold somewhere *smile*. but then i have a day like today that makes me question both my fragile grasp on my sanity and my decision to go off my meds. today sucked. i think i cried for an hour. my kids were great, though. they kept coming into the kitchen to give me hugs, and allow me to hug their special toys, which was really great. but i had to call my union in NYC cuz i didn't pay my dues on time. and the guy was really MEAN!!! i mean, obnoxiously out of line and i really wanted to go through the phone and beat him to death. but unlike before i went on my meds and the girl at sally's caused me to throw a brush at her, i just called my mom who proceeded to talk me off the ledge. of course, when i told my husband about the incident later this afternoon, it made me cry again, but only briefly, so that was definite improvement.

i don't regret going off my meds. and i don't think that i'll never go back on them, perhaps, at some point if i need to. but i like being off them right now (with the exception of this morning *smile*). before i started therapy i was in a research study for post-partum depression, and one of the questions they would ask was if i felt that people were being overly mean or critical. they were looking to see if i was suffering from paranoia. but i don't think it's paranoia -- i think that when you're medicated you just don't care that ppl are mean! *smile* now that i'm off my meds i'm more aware of how mean and evil people can be *smile*

i've also come to realize that i'm a hoarder. i did talk to my therapist about it in my last session & her eyes got really big a couple of times *smile*. i prefer to think of it as selective collecting *smile*. but when i watch those hoarding shows, i totally understand the hoarder thought process, which is a little frightening *smile*. i'm much better now than i ever was when i was single, mainly becuz christopher limits the amount of space in which i can expand my collections. so i've become a somewhat organized hoarder. but we're thinking about moving, so i've gotta get it under control so that we can do something with it. i like to see all my stuff all the time, so putting it all in storage so we can show the house will be painful *smile*. and christopher already knows that he can't help me clean and/or organize. all he can do is fuss at me until i do it, albeit grudgingly *smile*. as long as it gets done, right? *smile*