in search of sanity

after i had isabelle, i finally realized that i needed some help and found a fabulous therapist. and after working with her for a while, i finally admitted that i needed to be medicated. and it helped for a long time. it did what it was supposed to do and helped me through the darkness. of course, it also helped that isabelle stopped screaming all the time, alexander started going potty and both of them could walk and talk *smile*. but for a while, the meds were all that were keeping me out of jail. there were still days when i had to put myself into time-out *smile*

but i switched from zoloft to lexapro, and more recently from lexapro to prozac. they all made me twitchy, and the lexapro actually made me think i had some sort of neurological disorder, cuz my hand would twitch periodically like i had parkenson's or something. but the prozac just sucked. i had all of the side effects with none of the relief (see "prozac sucks my butt"). so i talked to my therapist and my pcp, and we decided that maybe it was time to take a break. i had to realize that the things in my life that annoy me and drive me crazy will be with me forever (or at least til they graduate from high school or college *smile*), so i really needed to figure out how to deal with it, since i can't medicate them *smile*. so i've been off my meds for a little over 2 weeks.

for the most part, i feel great. i've been doing a lot of breathing, but my children and husband are all still alive, and i'm not incarcerated or on a 72 hour hold somewhere *smile*. but then i have a day like today that makes me question both my fragile grasp on my sanity and my decision to go off my meds. today sucked. i think i cried for an hour. my kids were great, though. they kept coming into the kitchen to give me hugs, and allow me to hug their special toys, which was really great. but i had to call my union in NYC cuz i didn't pay my dues on time. and the guy was really MEAN!!! i mean, obnoxiously out of line and i really wanted to go through the phone and beat him to death. but unlike before i went on my meds and the girl at sally's caused me to throw a brush at her, i just called my mom who proceeded to talk me off the ledge. of course, when i told my husband about the incident later this afternoon, it made me cry again, but only briefly, so that was definite improvement.

i don't regret going off my meds. and i don't think that i'll never go back on them, perhaps, at some point if i need to. but i like being off them right now (with the exception of this morning *smile*). before i started therapy i was in a research study for post-partum depression, and one of the questions they would ask was if i felt that people were being overly mean or critical. they were looking to see if i was suffering from paranoia. but i don't think it's paranoia -- i think that when you're medicated you just don't care that ppl are mean! *smile* now that i'm off my meds i'm more aware of how mean and evil people can be *smile*

i've also come to realize that i'm a hoarder. i did talk to my therapist about it in my last session & her eyes got really big a couple of times *smile*. i prefer to think of it as selective collecting *smile*. but when i watch those hoarding shows, i totally understand the hoarder thought process, which is a little frightening *smile*. i'm much better now than i ever was when i was single, mainly becuz christopher limits the amount of space in which i can expand my collections. so i've become a somewhat organized hoarder. but we're thinking about moving, so i've gotta get it under control so that we can do something with it. i like to see all my stuff all the time, so putting it all in storage so we can show the house will be painful *smile*. and christopher already knows that he can't help me clean and/or organize. all he can do is fuss at me until i do it, albeit grudgingly *smile*. as long as it gets done, right? *smile*

prozac sucks my butt

i don't think it's working. i haven't felt this listless or despondant since before i started taking my meds. even zoloft worked better than this. it's been less than a week, though, and i know it takes time, but this sucks. i don't even have the energy right now to scream at the kids *smile*. all i want to do is eat (even though i'm not hungry) and take a nap. i just sat and watched an hour of curling and still have no idea what was going on. the rock was in the house, but they hit the button and pushed it into the 8 ft ring. hunh? but i can't help thinking that it wouldn't make sense even if my brain was working. i feel like a combination of the wind-up doll commercial and the claritin commercial, before they take the film off the camera *smile*

i've got so much stuff to do, too. i hafta find isabelle's bathing suit and pack for a 2 day vacation. and i need to make granola. and write a letter to my husband's principal so she'll let me sell jewelry at his school. and make more jewelry so i can keep up with my posting comittments. and figure out how to pay my bills and/or sell more jewelry so i can pay my bills *smile*. but i just wanna take a nap. this sucks :(

i also am bummed cuz i can't find a good video of measha brueggergosman singing at the olympics. i found one on youtube, but it sucked and i don't know if it was the video or my computer. there was another one that was clearly taken with someone's cell phone that really sucked, but this one was pretty good. she rocked my world! especially her hair! i wish my hair would have done that before i let it lock.

and i also wanted to blog about the ice dancers from russia. i really liked them, until i saw their "aboriginal dance" which just made me want to scream! i mean, seriously! i don't know what made them think that it was representative of anyone's native people,, but it looked more like cavemen. i missed it so i watched it on demand and was amazed. how could anyone be that clueless? and her, with her mouth open the entire time just made her look like a dunce. i was embarrased for them.

another day, a different med...

well, today was my 2nd day on prozac. i was nervous, cuz when i switched from zoloft to lexapro it sucked. the first day was ok, cuz i still had enough zoloft in my system to carry me through, but the lexapro hadn't kicked in yet. the 2nd day, my husband came home and i was lying on the floor in the living room, cuz i just couldn't get up *smile*. i can look back and smile now, but at the time it was a bit of a tragedy. i don't know if the transition is going better this time cuz i'm in a better place, or if it's just a different type of drug. my pcp explained that all of these drugs are "cousins" and they all do the same thing, just a little bit differently. i can't get over how one drug works well for one person and not for another.

i don't know if prozac is the right drug for me. it didn't work for my mom. but it works great for my friend and her husband. but depression sucks, and i've got so much going on right now that i can't just sit and cry all day long :). my kids demand to be fed regularly, and i can't just feed them toast, cuz i hafta make the bread. why did i start doing that?

but there is no rest for the wicked today. the kids have been upstairs for almost 2 hours, but there is no rest in sight. hopefully tonight will be an early to bed night. but we need baths, so we'll see. i guess they know i'm not really going to beat them :)

a snow holiday

we've been in our house for 5 days now. except for our little snow holiday. we went across the river to harmarville on monday night and randomly picked a motel. it was the calm between the storms -- the roads were relatively clear from friday/saturday's storm, and the tuesday/wednesday storm hadn't started yet. actually, even monday night some of the roads were pretty bad. i had to go back home after we had dinner cuz i'd forgotten my meds and i was slowed down by an accident and 2 bobcats removing snow from the roads. with all the snow we've had to clear, i think they're running out of places to put it! :)

it took christopher 2 solid hours to clear our driveway on saturday. i don't think i could have done it. and it was really too much even for a snowblower. and of course, being the guy he is, he went out after he did our to help a couple of other people do theirs. :)

but we've only gotten about 8 inches of additional snow since yesterday, although it's still snowing. i have no doubt that tomorrow will be another snow day for christopher. i feel bad for the kids, though, cuz it's too much snow for them to go play in. although chris did build a snow cave for them on sunday. they haven't been out to play in it since then. it's really cold and windy with blowing snow and they just sink down in it. the 22 inches we got over the weekend was too deep, so i have no idea what they'd do in almost 3 feet of snow! :)

calgon -- take me away!

some days, when alexander wakes up, i know that we're in for it. today was one of those days. the fact that it's 8:30 and both kids are in bed asleep kinda says a lot. the fact that he didn't take a nap today was just a minor portion of today's specialness. he woke up in one of those moods today. almost like in his sleep he was abducted by aliens who decided to see how many of mommy's buttons could be pressed simultaneously before my head explodes. *smile*

it started as soon as he woke up. he hadn't even made it all the way downstairs before he started whining: "mommy, i'm hungry!" which, of course inspired his sister to join in the refrain. today was not a day that we had any concrete plans, and i, frankly, was feeling completely uninspired to really move from bed. but i've got the whining twins downstairs demanding food, so...*sigh*

but feeding them didn't make it better. instead of cereal (cuz we were running out of milk) i made toast and scrambled eggs. but every other second there was something wrong that caused the throwing of napkins and shoving away of bowls and spoons. if not for my meds today i would have found myself in jail for baby-maiming. *smile*

lunch was marginally better, and by the time we finally made it to the grocery store, i just ignored everything except what was on the shelves, prices, and how much cash i had in my pocket. but when we got home and he decided he didn't want to nap, i decided that it was a battle i wasn't prepared to fight today. he was actually decent while isabelle was asleep. we cuddled on the couch and read our new national geographic magazine (thanks, grampa! *smile*) and learned about new animals and stuff.

but come dinnertime, the aliens regained control. by dinner i'm usually done cuz i've dealt with it all day, but christopher is fresh from his other battlefield and ready to pick up the baton. sorry, alexander. daddy wasn't in the mood to deal with the bouncing, humming child not eating his dinner. and then when the after-dinner hitting and cup throwing commenced, it was all over. after the smoke cleared, alexander was crying and in his pj's and isabelle was angelic and coloring. it was about 7:15 when i kissed alexander goodnight, and he hasn't been heard from since, which is amazing. and isabelle followed shortly after, cuz her juice tasted funny. i convinced her that if she just went to bed, that in the morning everything would be ok. *smile* i wonder how much longer that'll work? *smile*

on being a SAHM...

i had a revelation while i was away on my mini-vaca with my sister and my mom. a lot of people who don't have children don't really realize what it takes to be a stay at home mom. my sister said as much to me while we were at her house and i was restraining my thrashing contortionist son. she really thought i had it made--that my life was perfect. i only had to work part time, and even though money's tight, i got to be at home all day with my two wonderful children and had time to create beautiful jewelry for my etsy shop. spending 2 days in her house disabused her of that illusion *smile*

i have 2 kids, and they couldn't be more different. but they're both a lot of work in their own way. isabelle is probably the most independent 2 year old you'll ever meet. and it's so frustrating cuz you have to help in a way that makes it seem like you're not helping even though letting her do it herself takes twice as long and you're already late...and alexander vacillates between wanting to do everything himself and not wanting to do anything himself. and you need to be able to know which day it is. and he's very high-energy. i don't want to label him as anything, but he needs a lot of directed activity, or he'll find a non-desirous activity to occupy himself *smile* and he's a master at breaking toys (and non-toys he just happens to be playing with *smile*), not becuz he's destructive, but becuz he wants to know how stuff works and why it moves or doesn't move. cheap plastic made in china just doesn't cut it for my son. he'll destroy it in a day. and not becuz he's malicious, but becuz he's so enthralled with it that he wants to know the entire parameters of it's ability. thank the Lord for tonka *smile*

so it was kinda gratifying to see my sister and open her eyes to my reality *smile*. i don't know what i would do if i weren't medicated. i'd either be in jail or western psych *smile*